Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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