i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
