Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
