I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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