I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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