Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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