Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
