If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
