Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
