he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
