We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
