I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
