i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
