the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
