the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
