I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
