my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
The air taste purple.
Randomize
