when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
