I faked an abortion last night.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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