just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
