Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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