he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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