And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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