wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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