Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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