I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
