I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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