I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
