dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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