you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
