Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
