Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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