so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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