pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
