I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
