I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
