Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
