The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
