Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
