just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
