I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
