I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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