Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
