Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
