Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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