I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
