Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
farters have to be the big spoon...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
