just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
