I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
