I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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